I’ve been away for a week on a work related trip. My husband and daughter joined me which was great – a chance for the three of us to get away from the chaos of our life at home. I tried really hard all week to focus on my daughter, my work and my relationship with my husband. Prior to our leaving he and I got into it over our son’s behavior. It wasn’t easy for me to be with him and I found I was unforgiving, bitchy and noncommittal when it came to being with him.
I was so angry with him for allowing our son back into our home without firm rules and guidelines. I felt that as I pushed for these rules to be implemented I was becoming the bad guy, the one who wasn’t understanding or maybe even caring. I began to look at my husband with indifference because of his single-mindedness. I had to listen to his new approach with our son, “listening to him and really understanding where he is coming from”. Okkkayy… Our son is a thief, a liar, a manipulator, and a drug addict. I’m pretty sure I understand him really well without having to listen to damn word he says. His actions say everything. He doesn’t have integrity, which in my mind is the only thing we have to give others that means anything.
We are back home and guess what!?! Our son stole our car. Finally, I hear the words I’ve been waiting for from my husband, “I am done”. I should have relief, right. And in some part of me I do. However, I also have fear and an immense amount of sadness. For all the anger I had for my husband I also realized that we balanced each other out – he had the desperate want to do anything to help our son, while I had the want to create structure. With him now on my side of the spectrum my son will be on his own.
This life is crazy. I’ve dug my heels in over the last couple of weeks. I’ve fought and clawed to get my voice heard. Last night was a victory for me in that my husband saw my side of things. I should feel better about this but I really don’t. I understand that having rules and structure is the ONLY way to go in order for us to have a good home for our daughter and ourselves – so I’m not changing my stance. I’m just a bit taken aback by the emotions I’m having with the change in my husband’s feelings.
I feel grief and loss.